Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.
Q. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes high school.
Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown.
Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline
A. So what's your question?
Q. What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.
Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but
pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q. What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
A. It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying
to make its way out of you.
Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.
Q. Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.
Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.
Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.
Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal
A. When the kids are in college.
Afterbirth : When the hard part begins................
Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.
Q. Ever since I’ve been pregnant, I haven’t been able to go to bed at night
without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
Depends on what you’re doing with them.
Q. Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor?
When the sex is between your husband and another woman.
Q. What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy?
Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder.
"Edward had a problem, he called up a doctor, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions
are only 5 minutes apart!"
The doctor asked, "Is this her first child?"
Edward was enraged, "No! This is her husband!"
Q. What are forceps?
A. Giant baby tweezers.
Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
Now...what if MEN got PREGNANT!
~ Maternity leave would last for two years....with full pay.
~There would be a cure for stretch marks.
~Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
~Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.
~All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
~Children would be kept in the hospital until potty trained.
~Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
~They wouldn't think twins were so cute.
~Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.
~Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
~They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
~Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees.
~Women would rule the world.
Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather then briefs?
A. Yes, but you’ll have an even better chance if he doesn’t wear anything at all.
Q. Are birth control pills deductible?
A. Only if they don’t work.
Q. What is a chastity belt? A. A labor-saving device.
Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it’s much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him
to sleep first.
Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I’m sure our baby will be beautiful
enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.
Q. What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
A. One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other
is just having a baby.
AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone
through labor to have sex again.
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to
keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained
FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though
they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we
OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.
PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes
SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your
last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those
familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: Able to whine in words.
WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.
Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's
office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you
if its still okay..."
"I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I
get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."
"No, that's not it at all," Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still
mow the lawn."
Q: I'm modest. Once I start to deliver, who will see me in that delicate
A: Authorized hospital personnel only -- doctors, nurses, orderlies,
photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.
Things Not to Say During Childbirth....
-- Gosh, you're lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of
-- Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?
-- I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen
-- If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle
-- That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?
-- When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.
-- You don't need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.
-- This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.
-- Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?
-- Stop your swearing and just breathe.
-- Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You're not using
the right words.
-- Your stomach still looks like there's another one in there.
Little Johnny was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, 'How was I born?' 'The stork brought you to us.' 'Oh, ' said Little Johnny. 'Well, how did you and daddy get born?' he asked. 'Oh, the stork brought us too.' 'So. . . how were grandpa and grandma born?' 'Well, darling, the stork brought them too, ' said the mother. The next day Little Johnny handed in his paper to the teacher. It read, 'This report is impossible to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations.'
Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
A woman goes to her
doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The
doctor asks her if she has any questions.
She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to
pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"A little more..."
"No. A little more..."
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"
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